Can I Give you a Ride?

Despite a warning from my mother, I pick up hitchhikers as the sun begins to set. An emotional journey to my hometown, a place I may not get. NYC Midnight Rhyming Story Challenge Round 1 – 2022

One hundred and forty-one miles until I reach Mount Barker.

The Sun just disappeared; it couldn’t really get much darker.

I picked up some hikers about a mile ago,

I was feeling kind of lonely, and life had me feeling oh so low

Despite mother‘s warnings to never pick up hikers,

I gave a ride to some random folk along a path made for bikers.

One hundred and thirty-one miles away from the town where I was born,

I’m feeling uneasy – my head buzzes like a bee swarm.

I attempt to make some small talk and ask them for their names.

They mumble something quietly.

“Sorry I didn’t catch that; hello, my name is James.”

I hope they don’t notice the tracks of my tears,

I’m fleeing from a breakup, and my emotions are in arrears.

One hundred and twenty-one miles away from small-town safety,

I plant my foot; the odometer now reads eighty.

My passengers are silent; they sit staring straight ahead.

I can’t quite explain it, but I feel a creeping dread.

One hundred and eleven miles, and now I start to sweat; I feel emotionally drained. Could they be a threat?

I drum my hands on the steering wheel and whistle a happy tune.

The quiet travellers ignore me. To my cheeriness, they appear to be immune.

One hundred and one miles, and I take another stab. “So, how many miles have you folks travelled?”

I pause and give my eyes a dab.

They mumble low and shift in their seats,

A hand behind my headrest that quickly retreats

I flinch away involuntarily and catch stench of fetid breath.

Ninety-one miles to go, and I’m scared half to death!

Eighty-one miles from the warmth of my family.

I catch black eyes in my rear-view mirror and grip the wheel clammily.

My breath is becoming shallow, and my mind is really racing.

Stop the car and run away? What if they start chasing?

Seventy-one miles, just over an hour and a half. Will I get to Mount Barker?

I have an uncontrollable urge to laugh.

Headlights are approaching; the first car since I picked up the couple.

My finger hovers over high beam thinking to signal and indicate trouble.

I change my mind and grip the wheel as another ten miles slip by.

I’m barely holding it together. Maybe they are just shy?

The tall one starts shifting and slides across the seat.

My senses are tingling, and my nerves are as cold as sleet.

Forty-one miles to go. I can’t take this any longer.

The stench of stale breath is getting stronger and stronger.

I don’t know whether to laugh or cry. My head is feeling pain

“Move back “, I shout and swing my arm “don’t come near me again.”

They move into the corner behind the passenger seat and watch me with their cold black eyes. My heart skips a beat.

I think they mean to kill me. What should I do?

I take a ragged breath; decisive action is due!

Twenty-one miles till I reach the front door of my home.

I slide my hand beneath the handle; my mouth begins to foam.

My menacing passengers start to mumble, and my ears prick up to listen.

The smaller of the two slides over and changes his position.

I feel the icy hand advance across my trembling shoulder,

right before I leave the road and smash into a boulder.

Two miles now between me and the sanctuary of my hometown,

I slip into a death-like state as thick blood trickles down.

Judges Feedback:

”Can I Give you a Ride?” by Lisa Ikin –     WHAT THE JUDGES LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY – {1651}  You do an excellent job of slowly building up the dread and anxiety in this story as we experience the drive through the main character’s eyes. I could feel the horror building in these moments. The mystery you set up of who these hitchhikers are and what they want was compelling.   {2207}  Wow – I absolutely love how you incorporated the distance left as your “countdown.”  It really added a sense of urgency, yet so far away – like trying to run in a dream! 

I really enjoyed how you changed the tone of the main character – first trying to be friendly, then some arising concern, then nervous laugh, then paranoia – VERY real emotions and progression!

I like that you leave just enough questions for the reader – did he survive? Were they trying to harm him?  Did they survive?  It lets the reader come to their own conclusion without a lack of understanding the events.  {1744}  Wow! This is such a gripping story – you use the countdown very effectively to show James getting closer to his hometown and the end of his drive with these mysterious and haunting passengers. I really liked that we never learn much about them or what makes them dangerous – it’s all driven by James’s own fears and suspicions.   WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK – {1651}  It feels like we’re missing a payoff to the mystery you’ve set up in the story. Who are these hitchhikers and what do they want? Do they only seek to kill and nothing else? Do they not want to kill at all? If they want to kill the main character, what are they waiting for? What are they mumbling? I’d find a way to communicate these answers at the end of the story, in order to solve the mystery for us.    {2207}  Because of the setting of the story, you need a more consistent cadence or beat to the poem – something that could simulate the passing of the fence posts, road lines, etc.  You could even make it speed up (fewer beats per line) as you progress to reflect the urgency and panic.

Either way, there are areas where you need to keep the cadence of the lines similar.  For example (the beats in caps):

i DRUM my HANDS on the STEERing WHEEL and WHIStle a HAPpy TUNE

the QUIet TRAVelers igNORE me, THOUGH.

to my CHEERiness, they ARE imMUNE

This creates a more solid 4/3/4/3 pattern.  You can also mix it up a bit in the intense parts, where he yells at the passenger to get back – creating a more short, intense pattern of 2/2/2/2.

If you had more room, it would be fun to write a second portion where the passengers tell their side of the story – I would love to see what you could do with that!  Heck, just do it anyway – have some fiun with this!  {1744}  I think there’s room for just a little more detail about what the smaller passenger does to make him crash the car. I also wanted to know what happened to these two characters in the crash at the end – did they survive?